A very good day.

This past Saturday was pretty cool for me. While G^2 went off to a "Gardening with Northwest Native Plants" out at Cloud Mountain Farm, I participated along with a couple dozen or so others in "The Ceremony of 8,000 Sacred Drums" (Historical Reference). The ceremony took place at Maritime Heritage Park in Bellingham beginning at 10:45 am, led by Unci (Lakota: grandmother) Jan Super.

Unci Super and a half dozen or so others were there as I showed up with 3 of my drums, turtle rattle, and 3 of my flutes. Unci Super, fired up some sage and smudged us. She started us off with a heart beat rhythm, offering prayers, until 11:00. People kept drifting in, mostly in ones and twos. Members of the Lummi Tribe arrived with a powwow drum. I don't know if this is a tribal drum, but I had that impression. In any event, Unci Super welcomed it with appropriate fanfare.

Unci Super, sang a summoning song, calling in spirits from the four directions. She guided us to face each direction as she sang and we drummed with her. She told a story of a man, who while on a Hanblecheyapi (vision quest) had a vision. In his vision, he saw an arbor. At the east gate, he saw yellow flags for the yellow nations, the south had black flags for the black nations, the west white flags for the white nations, and the north red flags for the red nations. The arbor had been the sole province of the red nation but in his vision the man saw all the races of man within the arbor. (Note, I may have not gotten the colors associated with the proper gates as my memory for this kind of thing seems seriously flawed.)

The man took his vision to his elders seeking their guidance. After 4 days they bade him to go forth and follow his vision. Now, I'd heard this story about 10 years ago when I first embarked on my walk along the red road. Next, Unci Super, put a name to this man, "Martin High Bear". As she said his name a warm flush and tingle spread through my body. I felt a magnificent new sense of connection to Unci Super, the drumming, and the ceremony.

It was with great pleasure that I realized that Unci Super had a connection with Martin. I only have a distant connection with him. Leon Stiffarm, who held the first sweat lodge I attended, and others appear to have known Martin personally. Martin was responsible in part for opening Native American ceremonies to others outside the red nation. So I am personally indebted to him and his followers for the leadership they've provided that has allowed me to share a spiritual path that resonates with me.

As the ceremony continued, a couple of the Lummi women who accompanied the powwow drum, sang at Unci Super's behest. Unci Super, sang more, said prayers and led us all in a dance. She asked several time's if people had songs to share, one woman offered a song that was totally unknown to me, I couldn't even tell what language she was singing in. She was across the circle from me, far enough that with the drums accompanying her I wasn't really able to make out her song in any detail. I wanted very badly to offer a song. The best I could do thought was to tell Unci Super that there was a Lakota Thanksgiving song that was sang in lodge that I loved to sing but couldn't lead. Fortunately, Unci Super knew the song and led it. I did my best to sing with her though as with so many of the songs I have been exposed to my memory seemed to fail me and I was far enough away from her that I had difficulty following her lead.

The ceremony concluded with several minutes of heart beat rhythm. I pulled out a couple of my flutes and played a couple quick runs as a personal offering in appreciation of the ceremony and to satisfy my ego needs for attention. A couple approached me about the flutes and I got the opportunity to promote Miguel's and his flutes with them. I had to excuse myself from talking with them as Unci Super was getting ready to depart. I thanked her for mentioning Martin High Bear and asked her if she knew of any lodges that would welcome someone such as myself. She said that her lodge would welcome me. So I gave her my number and email address. She said that she would begin work soon to bring the lodge into order. I told her I would be interested in helping her to get the lodge up and running. So now I am waiting for a call or email to join in the effort.

I was very pleased that all my drums were used in the ceremony. A couple of women showed up early on sans drums and I was able to offer my extras. I didn't really interact with many of the participants. I was impressed that their seemed to be a fairly wide range of folks. Women seemed to be the most numerous distinct group. They seemed diverse in thier makeup otherwise. It was very cool. I am indebted to the person who sent me an invitation though I have no notion of who she is nor how she came to include me in her invitation. So I feel blessed to have been a part of the whole event.

I returned home to G^2 grateful for my path, my life. Later, after a bit of begging G^2 agreed to accompany me to the drumming group I've been doing monthly since leaving my job at Marianne's House. The group is comprised of members of the Max Higbee Center, an organization supporting the developmentally handicapped community in Bellingham, Washington.

It was the largest gathering for drumming since I began offering the group. Every drum and most of the percussion instruments in my big black bag were in use for most of the hour that we were there. The folks I drum with there are vary greatly in their abilities but seem united in spirit. They respond exceptionally well to my buffoonery and teasing. Drumming provides many opportunities to share in community experience denied many of these folks in their everyday existence.

I wish I could have captured the joy and exuberance that developed during our hour together and share that with you all. Yeah, it isn't great music, but somehow it sounded good to me. When I think back on the faces I witnessed as various people stood to take charge of the group I am brought to tears. So I got to act the clown, drum and watch others blissfully share in an event that I helped bring about. It was a damned good evening and afterwards G^2 and I supped at Supon's, which I suspect may be the best Thai food in Bellingham.

It was a very good day. Mitakue Oyasin.

Musings

Well, judging by my long absence from the blogosphere, blogging is not a deeply ingrained or urgent activity. I have actually thought on several occasions that I wanted to blog about some topic or another. But I was unable to overcome the feeling that my efforts would have the net effect of pissing into the wind. It seems largely pointless to write when I have little if any real audience. On the other hand, I desperately want to make some difference in the world.

I have been giving a lot of thought these past few years about my life. I most often end up visualizing my self as an infinitesimal point in an infinitely large and wondrous universe. This is not a bad description. Regardless of how small I might be in the grander scheme of things, the whole would not be the same whole if I were not here. So in this sense, I define the whole just as it defines me. We have this mutual thing going: Mitakue Oyasin ( All my relations).

There is a lot of comfort in those thoughts. Yet, there is another avenue of thought which proves to be troubling for me. In this visualization, I am a hapless bit of flotsam tossed about in the time-stream of existence. Emotionally, I feel as if I have no control. Intellectually, I believe that control is illusory.

Mostly, I can't seem to find anything that seems like ambition or chosen direction within me. The material world for the most part has little draw for me. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my creature comforts and have an obscenely large collection of things attached to me. But when I think about these comforts and things for any length of time I recognize that in large part I could live, not as comfortably, but nonetheless live without almost all of it.

It bothers me to think that in large part I have a similar relationship to people as I have with things. In this case though, my people world is decidedly less crowded than my things world. At present, my people world consist of four people. G^2(my partner/wife), my daughters P & J, and Mom. Oh, I have other family and know other people, but when it comes right down to it these are the only people that I share any significant part of myself with.

It bothers me that I have no functioning social group. Yes, there are people out there that I count as friends and feel strongly towards, Brenda, Miguel and Peter. Yet in truth, we shared a very narrow range of experience together, primarily sharing ourselves at the sweat lodge. I see my friends rarely since moving from Portland. In the 2 plus years that we've been in Bellingham/Ferndale, I have yet to make any new friends, numerous acquaintances, but no friends.

Honestly, friends have been a rarity in my life. People have pretty much come and gone in my life, touching me, even changing me some, but none have remained close and connected. This is no doubt due to a very introspective and possibly narcissistic personality on my part. I can't seem to maintain a long term outward focus.

Clearly I am adrift, my thoughts wandering to and fro as I write this. When I started I'd thought that I should just write and see what came out. Not surprising that, in part a sense of lonely has come to the fore. I suspect that my longing for connection will most likely go unfulfilled as I am unlikely to undergo some trans-formative experience which will alter my fundamental pattern of being.

I did want to talk a bit about my want to have some direction in my life. What I am talking about here is actually more than a direction. What I am looking for is a Passion, an Obsession, something that drives me forward. I am suddenly struck by the irony of what I am asking for, in the sense that I have never felt as if I was in control of my life and here I am asking for something to take control away from me and drive me.

I am a dabbler! I paint. I draw. I write. I act. I drum. I play flutes. I do lots and lots of things. None of the particularly well. I enjoy doing them but I am not compelled to do any of them. I am not compelled to excel at anything. I suspect that fear of failure may be at the root of my lack of compulsion to excel. Maybe, I am truly just too lazy.

I am not happy with my lack of drive, because I want my life to amount to something more than just existence. Although, I do think it is pretty cool that the universe wouldn't be the same if I weren't here. I want my existence to have some larger impact on the universe. I suppose that is ambition, so I guess I do have it. So I am coming full circle once again. Leading me back to that mantra which plagues me and pushes me up against my fear, my angst. "Show Up!" "Show Up!"