Confession

So, I haven't blogged since the day before Valentine's Day. When I started this blog, I suspected that I my interest would quickly flag, especially if I didn't get any feedback or (even better) adulation for my efforts. Without an audience, blogging is pretty close to pissing into the wind, you get wet and smelly without much benefit. You can argue that self expression serves the soul but an audience can at least provide the illusion that your words may impact someone and help bring about a modicum of change in this world.

There is the discovery aspect of self expression to take into account. I was pretty surprised to see what I just wrote as I'd thought I was going to go in a very different direction when I started to write.

So, my original intended confession, was to explain what I have been doing the past month and a half since I last wrote. Basically, I fell off the edge of the world and got lost in playing Free Civ for the better part of several weeks. It started slowly but quickly grew into an all consuming addiction. I even got a cold and decided not to go to work for a few days, but I continued playing Free Civ, in spite of my physical misery. It was all I could do to carve out a couple hours a day to spend with Gail, my extremely understanding and loving wife, so that she didn't leave me. I had no free time, I either worked or played Free Civ.

Now, I know that this is not exactly an uncommon pattern for me. For most of my life, I have withdrawn from the world for long periods. Reading and programming have been my usual retreats. Free Civ was just a variant of my usual pattern. In recent years, I have come to recognize that my withdrawals are a response to a life that is just too overwhelming for me.
I become outraged at the stupidity of people or the injustice rampant in the world or just the plain evil that rises out of human limitation.

I am not sure why this has been happening this time but I'm pretty sure that it is for much the same reasons as in the past. In any case, now days I have a mantra that keeps popping up. "Show up! Show up! Show up! ..." The current problem is knowing what to show up for. Just need to remember that the answer is present and available if I can just pay proper attention.

Lots to do and think about, it looks like. Guess, I'd better get on with it.

Love!