To Sheep or Not to Sheep

Last night was another first for me. I attended my first political party fund raiser. Needless to say I dressed up for the occasion, blue jeans instead of sweat pants. I wasn't exactly surprised to find that I appeared to be the only one wearing a stylish tie-dyed tee shirt. My only real competition color wise was a woman wearing a rather large orange and white floral print or at least she was the only one of whom I was cognizant. It was comforting to note later in the evening that the guy sitting behind me out of my view was another long hair only he was dressed to the hilt in biker leathers.

Fashion aside, I deliberated hard and long on what I was going to wear to this event. Do I cave to social expectations that have been implanted in me since birth and conform or do I behave as I've chosen for the past years and dress for my own comfort. I wear sweats most of the time these days for the simple reason that I am obese. Much to my beloved Gail's chagrin, I have absolutely no desire to conform to any expectations regarding the garb I wear, save that it be relatively clean. Getting hung up on or even thinking about fashion or what is appropriate garb is something that I have no interest in whatsoever.

I do on the other hand, like to attract attention, at least so it seems. The choice of the tie dye was also a deliberate one; not entirely for the reasons that one might think though; reasons which actually have to do with why I was attending a political fund raiser for the first time in my life.

Since the caucuses in February, I have been increasingly attending to the political happenings in our country. I have also been aware of my increasing frustration with the erosion of personal liberty, lack of respect for human rights, failure to provide real stewardship of our world, and the list goes on that marks the abysmal political leadership I have witnessed throughout my adult life. The only and I mean only President (of those who've been in charge since I became aware that there were Presidents) that I have any respect for is Jimmy Carter, whom I know many may regard as a presidential failure, largely due to forces that I believe where well beyond his influence, much less control. I have a child's perspective on President Kennedy, whose assassination and it's impact on my life are more reflective of the sorrow expressed within our nation than any true comprehension of his real accomplishments or lack thereof. His challenge to get us to the moon was truly inspiring and "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country" seems to be near the root of any political belief that I have.

In recent years, as I have sat in the sweat lodge or out walking in nature, I have repeatedly prayed to Creator for guidance in how I should conduct my life. I have asked for help in recognizing his guidance and in keeping my heart, mind, and soul open to his answers. As I have heard no ethereal voices nor witnessed any burning bushes, I have come to understand that the guidance he will be delivering is by way of the things that attract my attention, pull me towards them. Thus it was with the caucus and things political in the past few months.

I have been noticing a much more extroverted me these past few months. I can't seem to stop talking with people. Having people express their appreciation for my leadership at the caucus caught my attention. I made jokes about just having a loud voice and other self denigrating remarks as is my usual reaction to public attention, something I crave yet abhor. In any case it caught my attention, so I began thinking that this must be the direction Creator intends for me. Now, I know that I may well be full of proverbial excrement, but that's they way my mind works these days. I am the tool, Creator is the artist.

So all this brings me back to why I was at this fund raiser. You see, as a delegate to the county convention, I received a newsletter from the county democrat party organization. In there, was an little note tucked away near the end that they had need of volunteer and office coordinators. I found myself coming back to that announcement repeatedly. My spiritual mantra, "Show up!", began pounding in my head whenever I thought of it. I was pretty sure that Creator was letting me know he'd like me to lend a hand. I very cautiously extended my feelers out into the world, inquiring via e-mail and phone about the expectations of the job. I had to do this a few times, quickly retracting into my shell, whenever it scared me too much. The pressure to "Show up!" kept building though, so I finally found myself meeting with the county democrat party chair person.

As I listened to her speak about what they needed, I was overwhelmed with a sense of envy and guilt. I envied that she could give so much of her time and energy to a cause/passion and guilt that I had not. I am not sure exactly how, if or when I actually agreed to take on the role of volunteer coordinator but apparently I did, because I started working on things we talked about and she began introducing me as the new volunteer coordinator. I am really terrified that I am in this position but that is what "Show up!" is all about. I am overwhelmed at my lack of basic knowledge of the political process, issues, personalities, etc. I haven't got a clue how to do this but I have to "Show up!"

So that's why I was at the fund raiser in my tie dyed tee shirt. I am the new volunteer coordinator for the county democrat organization. The tie dyed shirt was to make me a clear and easy target should anyone need to talk to me. "Oh, you want to volunteer! Well, you see that guy in the tie dyed tee shirt, he's the one you want to talk to." It turned out that no one sought me out.

Gail and I talked with a couple Dave and Jane (Porter, I believe), who provided us with a wealth of history regarding our new home, Whatcom county. I attempted to plant some seeds there for some future volunteer activities from them. They've been active in the past but are taking a sort of look and see posture as their candidate didn't make it to the semi-finals.

Then there was Polly Hanson, a beautiful septuagenarian, whose eyes radiated life and whose stories brought me extreme envy and admiration. Polly reminds me of Mom in some respects; she runs a bed and breakfast on Lummi Island. Gail has said that we have to go stay there!

We met some new folks eating at the table with us but due to the program were not able to talk much. Interestingly enough, I'd previously met two of our dinner companions, one at a democrat thing and the other at drumming/singing classes that I took at the Bellingham Unitarian Fellowship last month.

So this brings me round to the final topic of this blog. Governor Greqoire was the keynote speaker for the fund raiser. She walked by our table when she arrived. All around me people surged to their feet and began applauding. I sat there dumbfounded and very uncomfortable, asking myself "Why are we expected to pay homage to this person?" Throughout the remainder of the evening the audience burst into clapping or surged from their seats at all the pregnant pauses various politicians dangled before them. I sat there caught up in an internal dialog about why I was fighting against these social expectations.

On our way out from the dinner, we rode the elevator down with the woman who recently took over the reins of the Obama grassroots organization in the county and who has stepped up to be the Campaign Coordinating Committee chair. Among several things, I expressed some of what I was thinking and feeling about the behaviors of the crowd upstairs. When I said that I found it impossible to stand when the Governor came in and that it felt wrong to do so. She asked if I would stand if Obama entered the room. My answer was probably not. Her justification for the behavior was that it was a sign of respect for the person and what they had accomplished.

Now I know that showing respect and approval is ultimately the reason behind such displays as applause, and standing is a notch up on the respect meter. The problem for me is that I generally don't feel that respect and approval towards politicians or too many other people for that matter. The truth for me is that Governor Gregoire, Representative Larson, and the others who appeared at the dinner to schmooze, inspire, communicate, or what ever are virtually unknown to me. I do not know them as people. I do not know them as being worthy of my respect, approval, and especially my adoration.

It seems to me that there is a distinction between courtesy and respect that comes into play in all this. I like to think that I show courtesy to all people. Courtesy is the base behavior that I think we should exhibit to our fellow beings. Respect though seems to be something that is more reserved. It is something very personal, very powerful. It is given and yet must be earned. Given too lightly and respect loses its value, its meaning. Withholding where it is due is another problem.

Oddly, a few minutes talking with Polly and Maggie Hanson (one of the 5 honored democrats acknowledged at the fund raiser, don't know if she and Polly are related), convinced me that they were truly worthy of my respect even my adoration and that neither of them were in need of my approval. I am acutely uncomfortable with the notion that people who rise to positions of power and influence in our society should automatically be accorded respect. I have met a variety of people in the course of my life who have been in such positions for whom I have absolutely no respect.

Perhaps I should be able to see the "accomplishments" of such individuals as sufficient justification for respect but frankly with the spin doctors, media pundits and just your good old herd mentality arrayed out there to tell me what to think and do, I believe I am better off withholding my respect until I am personally able to feel it due to someone.

Gail told me that what I said to Sue Ellen, the Obama coordinator, was expressed in an attacking manner. As soon as Gail said that I knew that it was true in the sense that I was feeling defensive. The behavior of guests at the fund raiser was not the problem, they are after all entirely within their rights to demonstrate respect for anyone they wish. The problem is that I don't necessarily share their feelings and that their collective behavior brings forth the demons pressing me to conform to acceptable social behavior. So to Sue Ellen, an apology, and to myself an admonition to be less ready to express myself when my demons are running amok.