Seeking the Blogger Within

I have been thinking a lot about Peter Benno Gillis, writing, dark energy and matter, multi-verses, hubris/humility, and the list goes on. More on these later though.

About four years ago, not long after Gail and I first met, we went to a small local "psychic" fair. While there, two things occurred which still linger with me.

The first was having an Aura Photograph taken of me. In the photograph, my image is largely obscured by a bifurcated white region of over exposure from which one can imaginatively apprehend the silhouettes of two buffalo. Now the science behind the whole Aura thing, from a skeptical perspective, is entirely bogus as far as my brief scan of Wikipedia goes. None the less the image that was presented to me with it's accompanying interpretation has provided me with ample ego satisfying opportunities; more so in certain groups than in others. It's most important lesson though is that, in spite of any skepticism I might hold, I am mightily drawn to succumb to the interpretations that magical thinking afford me.

The Second was a psychic reading. The woman's reading of me ranged over a host of topics which I frankly don't recall with any clarity. One item though, has surfaced again and again in the ensuing years. She asserted to me that I should be writing. I in turn scoffed at the notion. The idea though did appeal to my ego and I have revisited that moment every now and again.

When I examined my initial response to this woman's suggestion that I should be writing I was/am confronted with my own negative self assessment. I could not imagine that I had/have anything that anyone else would be interested in reading. Furthermore, I remembered how poor a writer I'd been judged to be while in academe, or at least the first year or two of college. (Either I became a better writer or my writing became less the issue than the content of the writing. I do not have the objectivity to actually know which applies.)

I have come to the conclusion that I am wholly unsuited to judge anything that pertains to me. I am far too harsh, unforgiving and negative when I attempt self assessment. In my self-judgment, nothing I have done, am doing, will do, escapes without a qualification or aspersion that diminishes either my productions or my self. This is built into my entire thinking process as it pertains to myself. Believe me I rail against this self abuse; but the railing becomes yet another source of negative self thought. It is a particularly nasty vicious cycle.

The wonder in all this is that I persist. In spite of the pervasiveness of my negative self-talk I still exist, I have not abandoned myself entirely. Gail, my wife, just now came and asked what I was doing, so I read the above to her, to which I got the anticipated response, "Depressed are we?" To which I responded "That's exactly what I thought you'd say." The truth is I am not depressed. I am in fact wonderfully amused, intrigued, confounded even dumbfounded, that I am not feeling depressed.

I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to know that no one, especially myself, could be as pathetic, incompetent, stupid, ugly, et cetera, et cetera as I think I am. How do I know this? I don't know and frankly I don't care. It is just plain good to know.

It helps too, to become aware of how others judge me. Others who are not caught up in my cycle of negative thought. So when Gail, points out that maybe I don't have to know how to be Mukwa Ogimaa, that I am him, and goes on to tell me what she thinks/feels are the qualities that I express which that name embraces, I have input that counters my negative self thought. When my daughters assert that I have been a great father, I have input that counters my negative self thought. When Brenda is able to say she loves me and calls me friend, I have input that counters my negative self thought. I have a good size folder of awards, commendations, and credentials that all counter my negative self thought.

The trick there is to open my self to the positive out there about me. If I open myself to that then not only do I have counters to the negative but I am more inclined to be in a balance that reflects what I truly am.

Yes, Peter, I think you've got it. I am my Work. You are yours.

So back to the subject of writing, I don't know if I have anything to say that anyone else will want to read. But that is not really the issue anyway, nor does it have anything to do with what a psychic once said. What it really is about is showing up. My intuition says that I should be writing. In my prayers, I've asked Creator and his spirits to help me find my way. Barring a talking burning bush or some other blatantly overt attempt to provide me with guidance I am at a loss at present on how to recognize guidance from spiritual sources, so I am going to rely on what seems to be left to me. A small but nagging inner voice that seems to be pushing me to do this thing.

So here I am writing.

Mitakuye Oyasin,